WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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