Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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