Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
