I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
