I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
