God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
