she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im on a boat
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