I will die if light touches me.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I need moral support for this bender
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
