proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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