I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
