Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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