I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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