Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
