I'm going to jail i love you
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
