It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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