The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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