Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
