Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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