Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
