So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
