i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
