trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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