Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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