hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
