There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drake has all the answers
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
