I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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