Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
