someone threw a dead crab at me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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