FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
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