I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
