Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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