His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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