My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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