I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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