I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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