I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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