I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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