Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
