they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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