There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have surprise drugs for everyone
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
