I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
you made out with another girl for some wings
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
