Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
