i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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