mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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