I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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