I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
