Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
