Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
