Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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