Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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